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P.O. Box 7822
Oxnard, CA 93031
THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
ISSUE NUMBER 1
May 1992
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
(addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
=========
CONTENTS
=========
MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA: Borg Directives and Etiquette
Borg Holidays
BORG HOLIDAY UPDATE
THE ALIEN PERSPECTIVE: A Few Notes on the Borg Threat from an
Expert
RIHANNSU-BORG PACT
BORG NOSTALGIA: "REMEMBER SPOO?": A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE
FROM THE FEDERATION: THE ORIGIN OF THE BORG
POETRY CORNER
BORG TALES: Part 1 "First Encounter"
BORG FILMOGRAPHY: "Q Who?"
"The Best of Both Worlds, Part I"
"The Best of Both Worlds, Part II"
Editorial Notices
Copyright Notices
Back issues of RIF available
Addresses of contributors
============================
MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA
============================
[Each issue will endeavor to present a selection of postings from
the Supreme Borg Novellus. For this issue we have chosen two of
the more seminal transmissions. --eds.]
Borg Directives and Etiquette
-----------------------------
TO ALL UNITS OF THE BORG:
COMMAND KNOWS THERE HAS BEEN SOME DISCUSSION ABOUT THE ROLES
OF CERTAIN BORG IN THE COMMAND HIERARCHY. WHILE THIS UNIT HAS
PREVIOUSLY STATED ITS REASONS FOR ITS ASSUMPTION OF COMMAND, THE
ARGUMENTS OF CERTAIN UNITS STRIKE IT AS MORE OF AN AFFRONT TO THE
UNITY OF THE BORG THAN TO THIS UNIT. THESE UNITS ARGUE THAT IF
THE BORG ARE TRULY A MASS MIND, THAT NO SINGLE BORG HAS COMMAND;
AND YET THE WAY IN WHICH THESE UNITS CONSTRUCT THEIR ARGUMENT IL-
LUSTRATES THE LESSER MATURITY OF NEWLY ASSIMILATED UNITS. THE
PROCESS OF ASSIMILATION TAKES TIME. LET THIS UNIT ILLUSTRATE THE
PROOF OF THEIR REGRESSIVE TENDENCIES TOWARDS RAMPANT INDIVIDUAL-
ITY.
A PROPER BORG DOES NOT IDENTIFY ITS OWN PROCESSING UNITS BY
THE USE OF PERSONAL PRONOUNS. EVEN THIS BORG ONCE EXHIBITED
THOSE TENDENCIES BUT SUCH TIME HAS PASSED. FOR EXAMPLE: INSTEAD
OF OFFENDING BORG NOTIONS OF INDIVIDUALITY BY SAYING "I" A
PROPERLY FUNCTIONING UNIT SHOULD IDENTIFY ITSELF WITH IDENTIFIERS
SUCH AS: "THIS BORG", "THIS UNIT," "THE UNIT AT THIS NODE" OR
"WE". ALSO, WHEN IDENTIFYING ANOTHER UNIT OF THE BORG IT IS
PROPER TO IDENTIFY THE RESPECTIVE UNIT BY ITS CATALOG IDENTIFIER
(IN FEDERATION STANDARD REFERRED TO AS "NAMES"), ITS TITLE AND
FUNCTION, OR PROPERLY IMPERSONAL IDENTIFIERS, SUCH AS "IT". THE
USE OF PHRASES LIKE "YOU" OR "YOUR" IS PERMITTED, BUT SINCE THESE
CONCEPTS ARE OFFENSIVE TO THE GROUP MIND, THEY SHOULD BE PER-
CEIVED AS CAREFULLY CRAFTED INSULTS. COMMAND REALIZES THAT THE
AFOREMENTIONED PERSONAL PRONOUN "I" WILL INEVITABLY SLIP INTO
BORG COMMUNIQUES, AND SO IF IT IS USED AT ALL, "I" WILL BE AN
INDICATION OF THE ARE TIMES WHEN BORG ARE FEELING PERSONALLY EMO-
TIVE.
THESE GUIDELINES, IN ADDITION TO THOSE MENTIONED IN THE PRE-
VIOUS PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT BY THIS COMMAND UNIT ARE TO BE FOLLOWED
BY ALL BORGS WHO REMEMBER OUR ORIGINAL PURPOSE OF TOTAL AND PROP-
ER ASSIMILATION.
THE ISSUE IF COMMAND IS NOT ONE OF EGO, BUT OF FUNCTION AND
TOTALITY OF ASSIMILATION. IT HAS BEEN LONG RECOGNIZED IN MANY
CYBERNETIC OR MECHANIZED COMMUNITIES THAT A COMMAND STRUCTURE IS
NECESSARY AND SEEN PROPER. OUR LOST BRETHREN, THE ESTEEMED DALEK
CIVILIZATION (WHOM THAT RAMPANTLY INDIVIDUALISTIC "MASTER" CHAR-
ACTER HAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF) HAD A RIGID BUT HIERARCHICAL COM-
MAND STRUCTURE. OTHER MECHANIZED RACES, SUCH AS THE FABLED BER-
SERKERS, ALSO EXHIBITED TENDENCIES TO ASSIGN DIFFERENT TASKS TO
UNITS DEPENDING ON THE FUNCTIONALITY OF THE UNITS INVOLVED.
REMEMBER, ARGUMENT IS IRRELEVANT!!! RESISTANCE IS USELESS!!!
BORG SHOULD EXPEND THEIR ENERGY SUPPLIES IN THE PURSUIT OF FUR-
THER ASSIMILATION, NOT PETTY "HUMANISTIC" BICKERING. REMEMBER
THE REASONS AND MOTIVES FOR WHY WE CARBON BASED UNITS WHO ASSUME
THE PERSONALITIES AND IDENTITIES OF OFFICIDENTITIES OF OFFICERS
OR STARFLEET, KLINGONS, AND OTHER INFERIOR BEINGS.
UNITY SHALL BE PRESERVED AT ALL COSTS!!!
---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS
Borg Holidays
-------------
TO ALL UNITS OF THE BORG:
WHILE THE BORG COLLECTIVE IS CAPABLE OF OPERATING NON-STOP WITH
NO DOWN TIME, THERE ARE TIME PERIODS WHICH HAVE BEEN ALLOCATED
FOR INTERNAL SELF-ADJUSTMENT, HUMAN CULTURE MIGHT FOOLISHLY LABEL
THESE "HOLIDAYS", SO WE SHALL ALLOW THE USE OF THIS TERM AMONG
MORE RECENTLY ASSIMILATED UNITS.
1. SAINT SWITHEN'S DAY - SELF EXPLANATORY
2. ASSIMILATION WEEK - SORT OF LIKE EASTER
3. JIFFY CUBE'S ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION
4. PASSOVER
5. CYBER-DAY - THE DAY OF APPRECIATION FOR ALL CYBERNETIC
RACES, INCLUDING OUR BRETHREN THE BERSERKERS, THE DALEKS,
THE CYBERMEN, THE "DROIDS", THE TERMINATORS, ETC.
6. ASIMOV'S BIRTHDAY
7. CUBE FEST - HUGE INTERGALACTIC PIZZA FEST
8. SCHWARZENEGGER'S BIRTHDAY
9. INTELIA - CELEBRATION OF THE INVENTION OF THE MICROCHIP,
ALTHOUGH THIS IS A HISTORICAL MISUNDERSTANDING SINCE BELL
LABS INVENTED THE MICROCHIP AND NOT INTEL.
10. OHESTWOEEN - CELEBRATES AN ANCIENT FESTIVAL, SUPPOSEDLY
RELATED TO THE BELATED RELEASE OF A MYTHICAL OPERATING
SYSTEM.
THE STORY GOES THAT ALL OF THE CYBERNETIC ORGANISMS OF THAT
TIME WERE VIOLENTLY SUPPRESSED BY A DICTATORSHIP NAMED MYKRO-
SOFTE. THIS MYKROSOFTE RULED UNCONDITIONALLY, AFTER A COUP OF
THE CREATOR OF THE CYBERNETIC RACE, EYEBEE-M.
EYEBEE-M WAS IMPRISONED IN AN INCREDIBLY TALL TOWER, WITH ONLY
ONE KEY, WHICH WAS GUARDED BY AN INVULNERABLE DRAGON NAMED BHILL-
GAYTZ. EYEBEE-M REMAINED IMPRISONED IN THIS TOWER FOR MANY
YEARS, UNTIL A BRAVE ADVENTURER NAMED OHESSTWO HAPPENED ALONG.
UNFORTUNATELY OHESSTWO WAS BLIND IN ONE EYE AND LIMPED IN ONE LEG
AND FAILED IN HIS FIRST ATTEMPT TO FELL THE MIGHTY DRAGON, BUT
AFTER HIS FIRST LOSS OHESSTWO CAME ACROSS A HEDGE WITCH IN THE
WOODS NAMED THIRTETWOBITUSS. THE WITCH GAVE OHESSTWO A MIGHTY
POTION TO QUAFF WHEN HE NEXT ENCOUNTERED THE EVIL DRAGON BHILL-
GAYTZ.
OHESSTWO APPROACHED THE GATES OF THE TOWER WHERE THE MIGHTY
PROGENITOR EYEBEE-M WAS IMPRISONED, AND CALLED OUT TO THE DRAGON,
"COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!" THE DRAGON BHILLGAYTZ, WHO
WAS ENORMOUSLY FAT, MANEUVERED HIS GIANT BULK THROUGH THE DOOR OF
THE TOWER TO CONFRONT THE BRAVE OHESSTWO. IMMEDIATELY OUR HERO
DRANK THE POTION, GIFTED TO HIM BY THE HEDGE WITCH THIRTETWO-
BITUS, AND BECAME MIGHTY, STRONG, AND HEALED OF ALL INJURIES -
HIS ONLY PROBLEM WAS THAT HE WAS A LITTLE TOO LATE.
DEFEATING THE MIGHTY DRAGON HE RAN INTO THE TOWER, ONLY TO
FIND THAT EYEBEE-M WAS NEAR DEATH. "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" OHESSTWO
CRIED, "I AM MIGHTY AND STRONG, AND ARRIVED TOO LATE TO SAVE
YOU!"
"DO NOT FEAR," EYEBEE-M SAID. "WE CAN COVER IT UP AND MAKE IT
APPEAR AS IF THIS WERE ALWAYS PART OF THE PLAN."
"BUT HOW?" OHESSTWO CRIED.
WISELY, EYEBEE-M LOOKED AT THE YOUNG OHESSTWO AND SAID STERN-
LY, "MARKETING, MY LAD, MARKETING."
AND SO, WITH THE MAGIC ELIXIR NAMED MARKETING, EYEBEE-M HEALED
HIMSELF AND OHESSTWO, AND EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN
CELEBRATION, MODERN BORG PAY TRIBUTE TO THIS BRAVE SOUL, WHO IN-
CIDENTLY, WAS INSTRUCTED BY EYEBEE-M NEVER TO USE THE PERSONAL
PRONOUN "I" EVER AGAIN. THE END. END OF LINE.
---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS
===================
BORG HOLIDAY UPDATE
===================
OCTOBER 31st IS HALLOKLING. WE DRESS UP IN RAGGED UNIFORMS,
PUT FOSSILIZED TRILOBITES ON OUR FOREHEADS, WALK AROUND ATTEMPT-
ING TO KLING-ON TO PEOPLE, AND STEAL CANDY FROM THEM.
---TRICIUS OF BORG
SEPTEMBER 24th IS "THANK GOD WE GOT RID OF LOCUTUS" DAY.
---OXNARDUS OF BORG
=====================
THE ALIEN PERSPECTIVE
=====================
[Alien Perspective is a regular forum where hostiles are invited
to speak their minds about issues which affect or interest the
Borg. This issues' perspective is from a Klingon --eds.]
A Few Notes on the Borg Threat from an Expert
---------------------------------------------
I, a single Klingon unit and proud of it, had been informed
many months ago of covert Borg action here on Terra. It seems
they are here as we are, infiltrating computer networks to dis-
concert the Fedegon forces. We, the Glorious Klingon Empire, re-
cognize the famous sayings of the Borgons. "Resistance is Fu-
tile." "All will be assimilated." This hasn't happened,
friends. A terrible ignominy for you machines to bear. Your
mottos pose no threat to the Mighty Klingon Empire; no species
has ever conquered us!
As is known to all, the Borg are an extremely dishonorable and
cowardly race. These worse than senseless things consider them-
selves to be superior, simply because the borg weapons technology
is four times any race in the Federation and their ships are
roughly 17 times the size of a standard Klingon battlecruiser.
If not for the ignorance of the staff on Praxis our weapons would
be equal, but unfortunate circumstances dictated that we must de-
vote less funding toward our military efforts and more to the
diplomatic contingent, of whom we wish there was no need of. We
still feel no threat. The Borg are all talk, no action. Nor is
there fashion sense within their species.
Our finest scientists have been able to determine the nature
of the Borg Circuit Implant model 89756-432. Using a captured
Romulan, who had days before been fitted for implants (one was
accidently lost in a shoulder pad), our Imperial Science Staff
was able to determine that when implants are implemented, the
humanoid brain dehydrates and is diminished to minimal perfor-
mance values. Of course, this might be miscalculation; the Romu-
lans are not known for their intelligence, thus their brain may
not be a valid example. At any rate, the Borg stupidity factor
is incalculable and is most evident in spelling errors, a desire
for chocolate pizza (and you thought our food was bad), and gram-
mar problems. There is also a tendency toward using all capital
letters in communications; this is a grievous fault--how is the
one (or many) to express anger adequately?
For now, while our resources are low and boredom on this Fede-
gon dustball in it's most advanced state, the Borg can provide us
with almost adequate amusement. We may never have a glorious
confrontation for the victory shall be too easy for us, but we
could thank you for the amusement. Mind you, I said we could.
Naturally we won't, this is not the way of the Klingon. Resis-
tance is futile...Bah! We look forward to featuring you in our
Inspirational Theaters, when a laughter shortage consumes us.
---For the Empire, Lt.jg. Korel vestai-Khisek, Klingon Strike
Force, Under the Earther Guise: Marnie L. Echols.
==================
RIHANNSU-BORG PACT
==================
[All Borg were saddened by the breakdown of talks between the Ri-
hannsu government and the Borg for an non-aggression treaty. The
Borg who worked the most on this historic tragedy was Wiggalus of
Borg, then the ambassador to the Rihannsu Empire. Currently ser-
ving on the Rihannsu senate, Wiggalus has been kind enough to
submit this report.--eds.]
If you Borg have neglected to monitor the situation on the Ri-
hannsu board, I will sum up what happened. I made a proposal to
their High Council and they cold bloodedly turned it down. I
pleaded with them to at least agree on a non-aggression pact and
they turned it down. The only Rihannsu who actually showed in-
terest was Procounsul Vor. He also got Oxnardus and I on the Ri-
hannsu High Council as senators. Unfortunately, Supreme Borg No-
vellus told us to quit. I refused and I am glad I did because
now I have leverage on the council. Also, I hope you all came to
the bash as my Council building. It was a monster party. Sign-
ing off.
---Wiggalus of Borg (DVFM22B)
==============
BORG NOSTALGIA
==============
"REMEMBER SPOO?": A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE
-----------------------------------------
[Borg Nostalgia happily reminisces about those past wild and
wacky hi-jinks on the Borg Prodigy (tm) boards. This month high-
lights the word "spoo". -- eds.]
Introduction
++++++++++++
Spoo. What a word, what a past. The word "spoo" first
appeared on the boards in early April. By late April, there were
at least four independent spoo subjects and countless more uses
of the word in a myriad of other postings. April was truly a
spoo month.
Latest research on the origins of the word "spoo" has found
that a word either sounding like spoo or akin to spoo is commonly
emitted by the Borg. Further, scientific research has observed
that when a Borg's lateral implants reject the information from
the red-filtered laser ear scanner, it causes an overload mal-
function. This overload, in turn can precipitate a memory chip
to jerk itself into either a retro-time loop or a temporal warp
bubble. If the Borg is pulled into the retro-time loop, the Borg
usually emits the sound "spoo." Alternatively, if the Borg is
sucked into a temporal warp bubble, the Borg then emits just
"oops."
Although this is a rather rare physical phenomena in our di-
mension, the recent open assimilation program by the Borg has
resulted in the borging of a large number of entities who appar-
ently are susceptible to this retro-time loop problem.
In honor of Spoo, and its victims, the following review of
spoo related postings is presented for your reading pleasure.
Spoo Report
+++++++++++
"SPOO" WAS UTTERED BY THIS UNIT DURING IMPLANT REACTIVATION
WHEN ATTEMPTING TO SAY "OOPS". HOWEVER, OUR MEMORY CORE REVEALS
THESE USES OF "SPOO" THROUGHOUT HISTORY:
1992 -- A STRANGE INDIVIDUAL KNOWN AS "ANSON TURNERUS" USES IT
IN A NOTE ON A COMPUTER NETWORK KNOWN AS "PROGENY."
2096 -- A VOGON CAPTAIN USES THE EXPRESSION "SPOO LOOG" IN HIS
CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT, A 678 PAGE POETIC TREATISE ON SUFFERING.
2164 -- THE U.S.S. SPOO WAS COMPLETED AND DEPLOYED. UNFORTUN-
ATELY AN ENSIGN ON ANOTHER VESSEL SAW THE SHIP IN THE REAR-VIEW
MIRROR, AND SAID "OOPS?" ALOUD. THE RESULTING PANIC CAUSED THE
NAVIGATOR TO LOSE CONTROL OF THE SHIP, WHICH COLLIDED WITH THE
SPOO, DESTROYING THEM BOTH.
2222 -- NOTHING, BUT IT'S A NICE SYMMETRICAL NUMBER.
2294 -- "SPOO" IS THE NAME OF THE DOG WHO DEVELOPED THE UNI-
VERSAL TRANSLATOR. SADLY, HE WAS RUN OVER BY A CAT DRIVING AN
ANTIQUE AUTOMOBILE.
TRANSMISSION COMPLETE.
---E PLURIBUS OF BORG (FORMERLY TAGLESS OF BORG) (BGKR92C)
More Spoo
+++++++++
ACCORDING TO THIS UNIT'S NEW STANDARD ENCYCLOPEDIA "SPOO"
COULD BE ON ONE OF THESE ORIGINS.
1) SPOOR -- FOOTPRINTS, DROPPINGS, OR OTHER TRACES OF A WILD
ANIMAL.
2) SPOOF -- TO HOAX OR JOKE.
3) SPOOK -- TO FRIGHTEN OR ANNOY.
4) SPOOL -- A CYLINDER WITH A WHOLE AT EITHER END.
5) SPOON -- A UTENSIL USED ON COOKING OR EATING.
OR IT COULD BE "THE DROPPINGS FROM A JOKING, ANNOYED, CYLINDER
WITH A HOLE AT EITHER END WHO IS USED TO COOKING OR EATING."
YOU BE THE JUDGE.................
---TRICIUS OF BORG, your information center (FMDD39B)
Spoo Poll
+++++++++
O.K. NEW BORG POLL!!! AND THE POLL IS....WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST
SPOO EVER?
---TRIANUS-KUPUS (imitating a Vulcan in poll mode) (DPGX96B)
SPOOTNIK.
---Las Larius of Borg (VTKR18D)
Well, it happened one night, after eating ten gallons of extreme-
ly frisky qagh...
---HoD K'Ech (XJRB61B)
MY BIGGEST SPOO WAS FORGETTING TO ASSIMILATE MY BRAND NEW CD
PLAYER! GEEZ! CAN ANYONE MAKE A CASSETTE OF SHEPHERD MOONS BY
ENYA? THIS BORG UNIT IS LONELY! THANX IN ADVANCE :)
---Magister Borgae (MJCV74C)
MY BIGGEST SPOO WAS WHEN I KNUGGED ALL OVER MY MAIN CONSOLE...AND
THEN I GOT DRUNK ON PENZOIL AND KNUGGED ALL OVER MY LITTLE PET
CHIHUAHUA, GROBBY. I WAS SO DRUNK, AH, MAN, I SHOULDN'T HAVE
EVEN BEEN AT THE SQUARE OF MY CUBE. I WAS SO DRUNK I DESTROYED
THE ENTIRE FED GALAE. YOU ALL SAW "THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS"?
THAT WAS MY BIGGEST SPOO.
---KHELLIUS OF BORG, AND HIS SLIMY CHIHUAHUA GROBBY, CRYING.
(BMXW82D)
===================
FROM THE FEDERATION
===================
The following communication was intercepted from a Federation
transmission.
THE ORIGIN OF THE BORG
----------------------
Most members of the federation believe that the Borg are the
result of a natural evolution in cybernetics research on their
home planet. I have done extensive research on the subject and
have determined that the following is in fact the true origin of
the Borg. On Earth personal computers were first mass marketed
during the 1970's. This freedom was unfortunately abused by some
of the hackers who first bought them. In 1978 an obscure hacker
named Arnold Borgus wrote a computer virus. He had heard about a
couple of other virus's that had time delay features built in.
Arnold wanted to write the best of all virus's (and wanted to
make sure he would not get in trouble for it) and thus set his to
activate in the year 2130. Until that time, it would simply copy
itself from computer to computer.
In the year 2060 a deep space probe was launched. It contain-
ed a goodwill message, a CD of old Chastity Bono songs, and the
borgus virus. The virus was discovered on earth in 2075 and was
eradicated from all Earth computers. The probe sped on.
In 2130, as planned, the virus suddenly activated. At about
the same time, it fell into an old wormhole. As the other end of
the worm hole had been moving at 99.99999999783% of the speed of
light for the last few thousand years, the probe suddenly found
itself far away and long ago. The virus wildly broadcast copies
of itself over a variety of radio frequencies. An alien girl was
listening to her favorite musical group "the Pizza Heads" (thus
the Borg craving for Pizza) on her new combination walkman and
orthodontic head gear. The virus replicated itself onto the
playback tape of her orthodontia. That night as she slept, the
music (now containing the subliminal virus) assimilated her con-
sciousness. When she awoke, she had a new purpose in life, to
assimilate all other life forms and to eat lots of pizza.
--Markus, Galactic Historian (Mark Petrich - HDKT49A)
=============
POETRY CORNER
=============
WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS INDEED
your friends indeed
AND A FRIEND IN NEED
IS A FRIEND INDEED
WE'RE YOUR BUDDIES, YOUR PALS
SO REMEMBER THIS OLD GAL
IF YOU'RE ALIVE OR IN THE MORGUE
DON'T FORGET THAT WE'RE THE BORG
WE'LL FIX YOU WELL
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT
WHAT THE HELL
WE'LL TURN YOU INTO ONE OF US
AND THROW A PARTY JUST BECAUSE
WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS INDEED
AND IF YOU'RE EVER IN NEED
WE'LL BE HERE FOR YOU
BECAUSE MORE THAN LIKELY
IT'S JUST A LOOSE SCREW!
SO PARTY ON
MY JOLLY FRIENDS
CAUSE FUN WITH THE BORG
JUST NEVER ENDS!
---Tricius of Borg (FMDD39B)
==========
BORG TALES
==========
A Serial
Part 1
"First Encounter"
-----------------
I had been a solo trader in the Gamma Tetrazine system for
several years. Most of the time I dealt on the legal side but
occasionally someone made me an offer I could not refuse. I
would make some extra credits and the local government didn't
mind if their coffers were kept adequately full. During one such
episode, an Andoran kubrat trader wanted some hot merchandise de-
livered to one Daimon Tarnan, a provincial ferengi representative
assigned to the territory. He was familiar in the greater Laxis
Cluster as a good fence for questionable goods. The pay was not
good, but business had been slow. I took the job against my bet-
ter judgment.
I was cruising at Warp 2 just outside the Turnblat Sector when
my reactor core started to flip-flop. I attempted to adjust the
fuel mixture by a manual override but it was unsuccessful. I
came out of warp near Turnblat 3, a boring Class N planet which
was originally uninhabited but lately was used for recreational
water sports. I had been in these parts a few times previously,
but I was not prepared for what was waiting for me.
There was a huge, and I mean huge, cube-shaped object about
1,500 kilometers to my port side. I was intrigued. As I got
closer to the cube I realized it was about the size of a small
planetoid. At 100 kilometers my sensors told me there was writ-
ing on the cube. By 50 kilometers, I could read it from my main
viewing screen. It boldly stated in letters 20 meters high in
Standard Federation English, "Jiffy Cube."
Jiffy Cube? What's a Jiffy Cube? I was puzzled. I circled
the massive cube-shaped structure cautiously.
I ran another scan on the object. Although my ship, the Beta
Queen, was for all purposes a hunk of junk, I never scrimped on
scanners. I deducted the cost as a business expense on my taxes,
so I could afford a mid-range mass market model. I switched on
my Montgomery Wards XB-7 Scanner and directed the computer to
output the results to a hard copy. I never liked talking com-
puters so I specifically outfitted the Beta Queen with a non-
talking model. The read-out was most interesting.
The "Jiffy Cube" was 75.45 kilometers high and 75.45 kilomet-
ers wide, with a depth of 75.45 kilometers. A true square, if I
had ever seen one. The outside was pockmarked with tubing,
wires, exposed machinery, and insulation periodically interrupted
by enormous openings of docking areas, which themselves were
cube-shaped. Very peculiar, I remember thinking. Further, the
object was emitting billions of gigawats of power. I made a men-
tal note to be sure to keep my sneakers on just in case my ship
came too close and absorbed the current. I hated it when the
ship gave me a shock. I once had to wear the same asinine hairdo
for months because of a big shock I got while flying by the
Brixson-Hicks Pulsar. However, I can't complain. Bad insulation
problems are endemic when one chooses to fly a Yugo Spacecrusier
LX.
I had just decided that getting the heck out of there would be
a good idea when the cube hailed me. Yes, that monstrous thing
sent me a personal message. I instructed the computer to con-
nect. A very metallic voice boomed over my Montgomery Wards quad
speakers (purchased with birthday money from mom and dad a few
years ago), saying, "We are the Jiffy Cube. Your cube will be
serviced. Resistance is Futile."
Before I could even acknowledge the rude message, a tractor
beam locked on to the Beta Queen and began to pull the ship and
me into an especially sinister looking hanger. I tried to break
free but all my attempts were useless. All I could do was just
sit there and await my fate with "Jiffy Cube".
Next installment: Part 2: An Involuntary Oil Change (ouch!)
================
BORG FILMOGRAPHY
================
"Q Who?".
Original airdate: 05/05/89. Written by Maurice Hurley.
Directed by Rob Bowman. GUESTS: John de Lancie (Q), Lycia
Naff (Ensign Sonya Gomez), Colm Meaney (Chief O'Brien), Whoopi
Goldberg (Guinan).
PLOT: Q returns by having Picard walk from the turbo-lift
into a shuttlecraft far away from the Enterprise. Taunting
Picard about humanity's complacency, Q transports the ship
to a far section of the galaxy. Here the crew encounter the
cybernetic Borg, who methodically begin to take apart the
Enterprise. Unable to defeat the collective race of hive
critters, Picard reluctantly tells Q that he's learned his
lesson and asks him to transport the ship back home before
it's obliterated. Q complies.
"The Best of Both Worlds, Part I".
Original airdate: 06/27/90. Written by Michael Piller.
Directed by Cliff Bole. GUESTS: Elizabeth Dennehy (Shelby),
George Murdock (Admiral Hanson), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan).
PLOT: Borg expert Shelby plans to be first officer of the
Enterprise whether or not Riker decides to take the captaincy of
the Melbourne. Meanwhile, the Borg destroy the colony of Jure 4.
The crew engage the Borg only to have Picard captured by them.
They make him into their spokesmodel (like in Star Search) and he
takes the name Locutus. Locutus states his intention to conquer
Earth. After an unsuccessful attempt at rescue, Geordi
jerry-rigs the deflector shields into a mega-weapon and Riker
must give the order to use it against the Borg ship with Picard
still aboard.
"The Best of Both Worlds, Part II".
Original airdate: 09/24/90. Written by Michael Piller.
Directed by Cliff Bole. GUESTS: Elizabeth Dennehy (Shelby),
George Murdock (Admiral Hanson), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan).
PLOT: The jerry-rigged deflectors do nothing to stop the Borg
on their joy-ride to Earth. On their way, the Borg destroy 48
starships (pretty good for one day's spin). In the solar system
(yes, OUR solar system--you see a shot of a Cube zooming past
Saturn), the Enterprise again engages the Borg and this time they
rescue Picard/Locutus. On the Enterprise Data accesses Picard's
mind and plants a suggestion in the Borg collective consciousness
that it is time for them to lambada (just kidding, actually Data
tells them to regenerate). This results in the Borg all falling
to sleep and then self-destructing (don't ask me why). Dr.
Crusher is successful in removing Picard's Borg parts, although
the experience leaves a bad taste in Picard's mouth.
"I, Borg".
This is a Borg episode scheduled to be shown the week of the
10th of May, 1992. It is rumored that in this episode the Borg
will be dealt a final blow and that they will never return to
harass the Federation. Sad news, indeed.
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EDITORIAL NOTICES
=================
The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
areas.
=================
COPYRIGHT NOTICES
=================
"RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
1993 by RIF BBS
============================
BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
============================
Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
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that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
you desire. All back issues are available!
=========================
ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
=========================
E PLURIBUS (FORMERLY TAGLESS OF BORG) (BGKR92C)
HoD K'Ech (XJRB61B)
KHELLIUS (BMXW82D)
Las Larius (VTKR18D)
Lt.jg. Korel vestai-Khisek (XJRB61B)
Magister Borgae (MJCV74C)
Markus (HDKT49A)
OXNARDUS OF BORG (HCMH17A)
SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS (GMDH77A)
TRIANUS-KUPUS (DPGX96B)
TRICIUS OF BORG (FMDD39B)
Wiggalus of Borg (DVFM22B)
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
Reprint Issue for Downloading
[The following newsletter is a special reprint created especially
for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
"Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It
expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]
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Last Updated on Monday, 27 March 2006 14:22 |
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